Once Inspired

Archive for the ‘Joke Time’ Category

The Darwin Awards

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer…. $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

I used to watch this on Nickelodeon inbetween shows. It’s brilliant. Dood, the main character, is my hero!
Click here to watch Doodlez cartoons at www.doodlez.tv

Happy Friday

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger  turns to Stevie and says, ‘How’s the singing career going?’

Stevie replies, ‘Not too bad. How’s the golf?’

Woods replies, ‘Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.

Stevie says, ‘I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, hen, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.’

Tiger says, ‘You play GOLF?’

Stevie says, ‘Yes, I’ve been playing for years’.

Tiger says, ‘But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?’

Stevie Wonder replies, ‘Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.  Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway  and again I play the ball towards his voice.’

‘But, how do you putt?’ asks Tiger

‘Well’, says Stevie, ‘I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.’

Tiger asks, ‘What’s your handicap?’

Stevie says, ‘Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.’

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, ‘We’ve got to play a round sometime.’

Stevie replies, ‘Well, people don’t take me seriously,  so I only play for money, and never play for less  than $10,000 a hole.

That a problem?’

Woods thinks about it and says, ‘ I can afford that, OK, I’m game for that.  $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?’

Stevie Wonder says, ‘Pick a night’

Challenge exposes opportunity. Think about it.

Thanks Brasco

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

4. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

7. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

8. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

9. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

10. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

11. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

12. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

13. Was learning cursive really necessary?

14. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

16. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

17. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

18. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

19. Garmin really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

20. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

21. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

22. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

23. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

24. Bad decisions make good stories

25. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

26. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem.

27. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

28. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

31. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

32. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

33. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and SA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

36. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

37. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

38. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles…

39. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

40. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

41. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

42.. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

43. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in high school.

44. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

45. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

46. It really upsets me when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

47. I wonder if cops ever get p’d off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

48. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

49. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

And number 50 is….

Challenge exposes Opportunity

Thanks Nicole

Happy Friday… with love

Braai
What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be
invited to when you visit South Africa. A braai is a
backyard barbecue and it will take place whatever
the weather. So you will have to go even if it’s
raining like mad. At a braai you will be introduced
to a substance known as mieliepap.

Ag
This is one of the most useful South African words.
Pronounced like the “ach” in the German “achtung”,
it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a
tricky question, as in: “Ag, I don’t know.” Or a
sense of resignation: “Ag OK, I’ll have some more
mieliepap then.” It can stand alone too as a signal
of irritation.

Donner
A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans “donder”
(thunder). Pronounced “dorner”, it means “beat up.”
A team member in your rugby team can get donnered in
a game, or your wife can donner you if you come back
from a braai at three in the morning.

Eina
Widely used by all language groups, this word,
derived from the Afrikaans, means “ouch.” Pronounced:
“aynah”. You can say it in sympathy when you see
your friend the day after he got donnered by his
wife.

Hey
Often used at the end of a sentence to emphasize the
importance of what has just been said, as in “You’re
only going to get donnered if you come in late
again, hey?” It can also stand alone as a question.
Instead of saying “excuse me?” or “pardon me?” when
you have not heard something directed at you, you
can always say: “Hey?”

Izit?
This is another great word to use in conversations.
Derived from the two words “is” and “it”, it can be
used when you have nothing to contribute if someone
tells you something at a braai. For instance, if
someone would say: “The Russians will succeed in
their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work
ethic and respect for private ownership.” It is
quite appropriate to respond by saying: “Izit?”

Jawelnofine
This is another conversation fallback. Derived from
the four words: “yes”, “well”, “no” and fine”, it
roughly means “OK”. If your bank manager tells you
your account is overdrawn, you can, with confidence,
say: “Jawelnofine.”

Klap
Pronounced “klup” – an Afrikaans word meaning smack,
whack or spank. If you spend too much time in front
of the TV during exam time, you could end up getting
a “klap” from your mother. In America, that is
called child abuse. In South Africa, it is called
promoting education. But to get “lekker geklap” is
to get motherlessly drunk.

Lekker
An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by
all language groups to express approval. If you
enjoyed a braai thoroughly, you can say: “Now that
was lekk-errrrrrr!” while drawing out the last
syllable.

Tackies
These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is
also used to describe automobile or truck tyres.
“Fat tackies” are really wide tyres, as in: “You’ve
got lekker fat tackies on your Vôlla (Volkswagen), hey?”

Dop
This word has two basic meanings, one good and one
bad. First the good: A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a
sundowner, a noggin. When invited for a dop, be
careful! It could be one sedate drink or a last,
depending on the company. Now the bad: To dop is to
fail. If you “dopped” standard two (Grade 4) more
than once, you probably won’t be reading this.

Saamie
This is a sandwich. For generations, school-
children have traded “saamies” during lunch breaks.
In South Africa you don’t send your kid to school
with liver-polony saamies. They are impossible to
trade.

Bakkie
This word is pronounced “bucky” and can refer to a
small truck or pick-up. If a young man takes his
“girl” (date) in a bakkie it could be
considered as a not so “lekker” form of transport
because the seats can’t recline.

Howzit
This is a universal South African greeting, and you
will hear this word throughout the country. It is
often accompanied with the word “Yes!” as in: “Yes,
howzit?” In which case you answer: “No, fine.”

Now now
In much of the outside world, this is a comforting
phrase: “Now now, it’s really not so bad.” But in
South Africa, this phrase is used in the following
manner: “Just wait, I’ll be there now now.” It means
“a little after now”.

Tune grief
To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. For
example, if you argue with somebody about a rugby
game at a braai and the person had too much dop (is
a little “geklap”), he might easily get aggravated
and say.: “You’re tuning me grief, hey!”. To
continue the argument after this could be unwise and
result in major tuning of grief.

Boet
This is an Afrikaans word meaning “brother” which is
shared by all language groups. Pronounced “boot” but
shorter, as in “foot”, it can be applied to a
brother or any person of the male sex. For instance
a father can call his son “boet” and friends can
apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the
diminutive “boetie” is used. But don’t use it on
someone you hardly know – it will be thought
patronizing and could lead to you getting a “lekker
klap”.

Pasop
From the Afrikaans phrase meaning “Watch Out!” This
warning is used and heeded by all language groups.
As in: “The boss hasn’t had his coffee yet – so you
better pasop boet” Sometimes just the word “pasop!”
is enough without further explanation. Everyone
knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be
crossed.

Skop, Skiet en donner
Literally “kick, shoot and thunder”, this phrase is
used by many South African speakers to describe
action movies. A Clint Eastwood movie is always a
good choice if you’re in the mood for of a lekker
skop, skiet en donner flick.

Vrot
Pronounced – “frot”. An expressive word which means
“rotten” or “putrid” in Afrikaans, it is used by all
language groups to describe anything they really
dislike or for getting horribly drunk as in you got “lekker

vrot” after a couple of “doppe”. Most commonly intended

to describe fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have

long expired, but a pair of old tackies (sneakers) worn a few years
too long can be termed “vrot” by some unfortunate
folk which find themselves in the same vicinity as
the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important
kicks or tackles can be said to have played a vrot
game – opposite to a “lekker” game (but not to his
face). A movie was once reviewed with this headline:
“Slick Flick, Vrot Plot.”

Rock up

To rock up is to just, sort of arrive (called “gate
crash” in other parts of the world). You don’t make
an appointment or tell anyone you are coming – you
just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be
selective about it. For example, you can’t just rock
up for a job interview.

Scale
To scale something is to steal it. A person who is
“scaly” has a doubtful character, is possibly a
scumbag, and should rather be left off the
invitation list to your next braai.

Ja-nee
“Yes No” in English. Politics in South Africa has
always been associated with family arguments and in
some cases even with physical fights. It is believed
that this expression originated with a family
member who didn’t want to get a klap or get
donnerred, so he just every now and then muttered
“ja-nee”. Use it when you are required t o respond,
but would rather not choose to agree or disagree.

Have a safe weekend

This is a slight adaptation from a joke I enjoyed. Adaptation specifics: Old Man to Triathlete.

Please laugh – It’s good for you.

 

A man was out jogging in the forest one day when a frog called out to him and said “if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess” he bent down and picked the frog up and put it is his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said “if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautify princess I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket smiled and return the frog to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said “if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want” Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally the frog asked, “whats the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautify princess and that ill stay with your for a year and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?” The man replied, “look I’m a triathlete. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

 

The original started off with “Old man” instead or triathlete. The punchline went something like “… at my age I’d much rather have a talking frog.”

 

Thanks Rew

 

Y’all have fun now